i just wanted to mention here just how much avery and june love each other. when we decided to have a fifth child it was for a few key reasons. one of those reasons was in hopes of getting avery a sister to grow up with; to share with; to laugh with; to do hair with; to commiserate about brothers and parents with. you get the picture. i knew from a previous experience -- that i will share at some point -- that we were having a girl long before i was even pregnant. and so when the ultrasound technician told us that, in fact, it was a girl i was filled with joy for avery and for june. that they would have each other for time and all eternity.
the idea of eternity is an interesting one. usually we only think of it a uni-directional -- going on forever forward. but if eternity is really eternity that it is one eternal round, meaning that it goes on forever forwards as well as forever backwards. this can start to trip up the human mind and i don't have any general authority quotes on it either, but i feel something telling me that if my family is eternal now it always has been in some weird time-does-not-exist-God-way. which means that june and avery were always connected, always sisters somehow. we were always a family. whether or not it's exactly true, i like to think of it this way. it makes us feel even more eternal to me. like we just met back up here on this earth instead of just coming together for the first time.
and so june and avery. the first time june smiled it was at avery. devan, avery, and june had been sitting on our bed one morning enjoying each other's company. devan had tried to get june to smile at him many times, but she wasn't doing it. at one point he said that he called her name and smiled at her and she looked over at him, but didn't smile. then she very deliberately turned her head towards avery and looking into her eyes, smiled for the first time. devan said it was an incredible moment because he could see them connect to each other. like their spirits connected. or reconnected i would like to say.
they've been great friends to each other. there is no better big sister than avery. not anywhere that i've seen at least. avery has cared for, loved, played with, and helped june very consistently and with incredible love since the day of june's birth. avery has never been jealous of june, but has felt a great responsibility to show june the ropes of living with all these boys and a sometimes very difficult mother. :) june, for her part, loves avery the most. when she was just months old she would respond so well to avery's singing and cuddling. if june was upset i could pass her over to avery and avery had the magic powers to help june feel happy again. it was amazing to watch.
this is an incredible thing to watch. avery is so loving towards june that it often reminds me of how Christ cared for the people in his life. i believe this beginning -- so much of which can be attributed to avery's good and kind heart -- will lead to a lifetime of friendship between these two girls. i hope one day june will get to watch these days of her childhood again so she can re-know just how much avery loved and cared for her. cause it's been a gift to watch.
avery has shown me God so many, many days.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
mother's day 2012
mother's day was great today. usually i find them difficult to endure for many reasons i won't enumerate here. my point is that today i recieved a beautiful poem from avery (an acrostic with words that indicated that she really thought about me), a great puzzle card from cole with a pen he made for me, a picture magnet from ike, and breakfast from chas. all of these things were wonderful because they were sincerely given and given in love and gratitude. i think they meant more to me this year than any other year thus far because they were given without any outside pressure to do so.
the day was topped off by chas singing in church. he and devan were set to sing a duet, but at the last minute devan didn't feel up to attending church. chas was disappointed at first, but then decided to sing by himself. he was nervous. we practiced only one time before church and i told him he certainly didn't have to do it, but he assured me that it was what he wanted to do. so when it was our turn to play and sing we went up to the podium together. i began to explain that devan wasn't going to be singing, but then lo and behold we saw him at the back of the room, having just come in. the relief that swept over chas' face was palpable. so they sang together as originally planned. it was beautiful. chas' voice is a clear one, with great tonal quality and lots of sincerity. his singing was a great gift to me today. but i have to say this: the greatest gift was his willingness to go on even by himself. his bravery and commitment to follow through despite challenges is what was really inspiring today. he is a great example to everyone in our family.
he helped me see -- and feel -- God today.
the day was topped off by chas singing in church. he and devan were set to sing a duet, but at the last minute devan didn't feel up to attending church. chas was disappointed at first, but then decided to sing by himself. he was nervous. we practiced only one time before church and i told him he certainly didn't have to do it, but he assured me that it was what he wanted to do. so when it was our turn to play and sing we went up to the podium together. i began to explain that devan wasn't going to be singing, but then lo and behold we saw him at the back of the room, having just come in. the relief that swept over chas' face was palpable. so they sang together as originally planned. it was beautiful. chas' voice is a clear one, with great tonal quality and lots of sincerity. his singing was a great gift to me today. but i have to say this: the greatest gift was his willingness to go on even by himself. his bravery and commitment to follow through despite challenges is what was really inspiring today. he is a great example to everyone in our family.
he helped me see -- and feel -- God today.
life in a family
life in a family is hard. the further along i get into creating a family of my own the more i know this to be true. growing up i just assumed being in a family was what one did. that families just happened. it had not occured to me that people chose to be in families. and while it can be argued that we don't get to choose our family, i think with an eternal perspective this argument holds little weight. whether we chose our family before coming here or as adults (when choosing to marry) we are in our families for a purpose, even if it is a purpose "we know not." and so as an adult i've come to see that many, many people chose not to have a family of their own and chose not to be active in the family they grew up in. if family has brought you little else besides pain i can see why this might be. that thought makes my heart sad. cause everyone deserves to love and be loved. everyone deserves a good family. or at least a family that's trying to be good. many people choose not to have family because it is so much easier to make decisions without having to think of others. planning for yourself, preparing only for yourself, thinking, acting, sacrificing only for yourself: easy peezy lemon squeezy. anyone that tells you otherwise probably hasn't lived in a family. or at least not a large enough one to make them know for sure what it means to have to think of others so consistently and so deeply.
but i digress. as usual. my point is that life with family is challenging. our family life is challenging. we have seven very different personalities. seven. that's a lot of needs, wants, attitudes, heartaches, sorrows, disappointments, dreams, hopes, and desires to address. they often collide and sometimes even crash terribly. when they do a lot of prayer, patience and forgiveness is required. a lot. more than we generally have to give, but not more than God has to give us to give to others. i absolutely know this to be true. in my heart this is a fact as sure as i know that i have gray hair at 36 or that the sky is blue out my window. fact. truth.
and so today i was reminded of a time when devan and i were struggling with each other. couldn't seem to figure each other's needs out well at all. it was getting worse and worse and we were both praying a lot about it, but it wasn't getting easier to understand each other. and then one day as we were driving out of our neighborhood in phoenix -- at this time we had chas and cole and i might have been pregnant with avery -- devan started feeling very upset. so upset, in fact, that he asked me to pull over and let him get out of the car. so i did. he started walking back to the house and i just sat there in the car cause i didn't know what to do. after a minute i turned to chas and explained to him that dad was struggling and needed our prayers and asked if he'd say a prayer with me. he agreed and we began praying together, asking God to help our dad feel the Spirit. help him feel loved. we asked him to soften devan's heart. when we finished praying i turned back around and looked out the rear view mirror. i watched devan stop walking away, pause for a moment, then turn around and walk back to the car.
he told me later on that he knew we had been praying for him because he felt a very distinct feeling come over him, encouraging him back to his family. i believe it was the Spirit we had been asking God to give him.
we saw God that day.
i don't have enough fingers to count the number of times God has brought devan and me back together again. softening our heart to each other. that's the direct result of a covenant marriage. a temple marriage. at this point in the world's history i don't know if it is possible to have a successful marriage without one. it's hard enough to have one with that sacred covenant. satan works viciously hard on families. the marriage covenant is a protection against the destroyer because it is what gives us literal access to the powers of heaven, what allows us to call down God's power on behalf of our families. to require God to save us when we cannot save ourselves. thank God for my temple covenants and my sacred temple marriage.
but i digress. as usual. my point is that life with family is challenging. our family life is challenging. we have seven very different personalities. seven. that's a lot of needs, wants, attitudes, heartaches, sorrows, disappointments, dreams, hopes, and desires to address. they often collide and sometimes even crash terribly. when they do a lot of prayer, patience and forgiveness is required. a lot. more than we generally have to give, but not more than God has to give us to give to others. i absolutely know this to be true. in my heart this is a fact as sure as i know that i have gray hair at 36 or that the sky is blue out my window. fact. truth.
and so today i was reminded of a time when devan and i were struggling with each other. couldn't seem to figure each other's needs out well at all. it was getting worse and worse and we were both praying a lot about it, but it wasn't getting easier to understand each other. and then one day as we were driving out of our neighborhood in phoenix -- at this time we had chas and cole and i might have been pregnant with avery -- devan started feeling very upset. so upset, in fact, that he asked me to pull over and let him get out of the car. so i did. he started walking back to the house and i just sat there in the car cause i didn't know what to do. after a minute i turned to chas and explained to him that dad was struggling and needed our prayers and asked if he'd say a prayer with me. he agreed and we began praying together, asking God to help our dad feel the Spirit. help him feel loved. we asked him to soften devan's heart. when we finished praying i turned back around and looked out the rear view mirror. i watched devan stop walking away, pause for a moment, then turn around and walk back to the car.
he told me later on that he knew we had been praying for him because he felt a very distinct feeling come over him, encouraging him back to his family. i believe it was the Spirit we had been asking God to give him.
we saw God that day.
i don't have enough fingers to count the number of times God has brought devan and me back together again. softening our heart to each other. that's the direct result of a covenant marriage. a temple marriage. at this point in the world's history i don't know if it is possible to have a successful marriage without one. it's hard enough to have one with that sacred covenant. satan works viciously hard on families. the marriage covenant is a protection against the destroyer because it is what gives us literal access to the powers of heaven, what allows us to call down God's power on behalf of our families. to require God to save us when we cannot save ourselves. thank God for my temple covenants and my sacred temple marriage.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
roger that good buddy
tonight chas came to me saying he had something he needed to talk to me about. he shared with me that recently he's started to notice that he's feeling more mean and negative... just about everything. we had a wonderful discussion about hormones and bodies changing and puberty and periods and pregnancy and all the changes that can send our bodies on roller coaster rides. we talked about how he felt, what he thought, and what i could do to help him. we decided on a few ideas, but mostly we just got it out into the open. we began a discussion that i hope lasts as long as he needs it to.
i've been so worried about him as of late. i have been feeling afraid of loosing him as he grows up. we've always been close -- i have always felt very close to him. he is easy to talk to and i enjoy listening to him and working ideas out with him. i don't want to loose that closeness because of puberty, growing up, hormones, or anything. i've been praying to God constantly about this. asking him to help me know chas well enough to know how to help him through this tough stage of life.
tonight felt like God answering my prayer. i believe He prompted chas to come talk to me. i believe He prepared my heart and my mind to be ready to listen with love.
this goes down as one of my most favorite moments as a mother thus far. i am so grateful that chas trusted me enough to come to me. i hope he always feels that way. i hope i can always retain his trust and confidence.
i felt hopeful after we got through talking. chas thanked me and i thanked him. the Spirit was there.
that's how i saw God today.
i've been so worried about him as of late. i have been feeling afraid of loosing him as he grows up. we've always been close -- i have always felt very close to him. he is easy to talk to and i enjoy listening to him and working ideas out with him. i don't want to loose that closeness because of puberty, growing up, hormones, or anything. i've been praying to God constantly about this. asking him to help me know chas well enough to know how to help him through this tough stage of life.
tonight felt like God answering my prayer. i believe He prompted chas to come talk to me. i believe He prepared my heart and my mind to be ready to listen with love.
this goes down as one of my most favorite moments as a mother thus far. i am so grateful that chas trusted me enough to come to me. i hope he always feels that way. i hope i can always retain his trust and confidence.
i felt hopeful after we got through talking. chas thanked me and i thanked him. the Spirit was there.
that's how i saw God today.
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