growing up...and letting them

when chas started the seventh grade it finally dawned on him that just because an adult told him to do something didn't mean he actually had to do it. he could say yes to the adult and then do whatever he wanted. this began a number of very, very deeply frustrating years for me, devan, and chas. i could go on and on about this, but sufficeth it to say that it has taken me years - years! - to figure out when i end and chas begins. it has taken me years to know well enough deep in my heart that God can and will gently pull chas to Him just like he pulled me. it has taken me years to gain a deep belief that it takes people their entire lives to come to Christ and even just grow up and it is my job as a mom to let my kids have their entire lives to do it. i have finally arrived at the place in my mind and heart where i know that my children cannot be an extension of me, nor do i really want that. and i have finally arrived at the place in my mind and heart where i know that my children cannot be finished products by 18. in fact, at 18 most of us are just starting to craft ourselves, our ideas, our beliefs. 

so it is that i've been freed in the last few months as i've finally internalized this belief. i still hold my children accountable and give consequences, but i've discovered i can give them more space than i thought i could. the amazing thing about this is that i'm seeing them flourish in areas i never imagined they would had i continued to insist on certain outcomes. for example...

cole chose to play lacrosse this year. the one year he played in elementary school he absolutely hated it. hated. it. in fact, he wanted to quit half way through the season, but we refused and felt he needed to finish what he started (especially because of the cost!). the last day of practice he got in the car and i said to him, "good job finishing what you started!" and he looked at me and broke down in tears like i'd never seen from him before. he was D-O-N don! so imagine my surprise when, after watching chas play last season -- his first season at arcadia -- he told me he was going to play this year. i had to bite my tongue so hard because i was sure he wouldn't actually do it. had he forgotten how much he hated lacrosse? so i just nodded my head ok and waited for him to tell me he changed his mind. but that never happened...

instead, cole started practicing in the back yard...for hours at a time. all summer long and into fall. he did sign up and he has been playing his heart out. i've never seen anyone so dedicated to something they seemingly hated. but that's just it -- i don't think cole ever hated it; i think he wasn't ready for it. and now he is. he knew when he was ready and he jumped in when he felt it was time. watching him play this season has been such a treat. i feel like i'm literally watching him come into his own. he is growing in confidence and ability; he's growing into an incredible leader who leads by example. i have been so uplifted by watching him choose and own this sport. 

and chas... he plays lacrosse and plays it well. but i forced him to keep going through middle school when he wanted to quit. i'm still glad i did because it gave him something to do and helped him feel confident. but i've realized it isn't where his passion lies. just because you are good at something doesn't mean it's your passion. but sometime last fall his friend phillip came over and the two of them sat at the piano for hours...they crafted unbelievably cool jazz duets. chas has been crafting piano solos for years and i've known how important that time is to him. like me, i think it's a form of therapy for chas. but after he and phillip started making music together, i started noticing how chas was spending more and more of his time either at the piano or on his music software program. the other day chas played for us a song he'd written -- music and lyrics. he sang it and then explained all the different background instruments and what he was trying to accomplish with each. i was so impressed with the work and passion he'd put into his music. it was inspiring and exciting. 

i'm realizing slowly but surely that it is not my job to craft my boys into who they will become, but to teach them correct principles and let them practice governing themselves as much as i am able without abdicating my responsibility as a parent. it's taken me years to figure this out in a practical way and i'm grateful to chas for his patience. his brothers and sisters will benefit immensely from him being the first and the guinea pig. 

i feel so much joy when i watch my boys become men and develop their passions and talents. that's where i see God...and where i feel the peace and joy family is supposed to bring.

revelation

this last weekend was general conference. our family was able to attend the solemn assembly during the first session on saturday morning. we had the awesome opportunity to stand individually and collectively and sustain Russel M. Nelson as a prophet of God. it. was. awesome.

i expected that the priesthood would be asked to stand and sustain separately and then that the entire congregation would stand. what i didn't expect was that members of the relief society were asked to stand separately and sustain the prophet. so were the young women. the sense of feeling noticed and counted as a woman while standing to raise my hand was so profound. pres nelson has done much in the last few years to call on the women of the church to rise up and take their place at the table. he has done so by asking the men to move over and make room, to listen, and to follow the inspired instruction and ideas of women. i love president nelson for realizing the worth of women AND doing something about it...giving it more than lip service.

getting to stand as a woman and raise my hand to sustain him as a prophet is a moment i will never forget. never. 

i absolutely felt the presence of God and holy angels during the solemn assembly. i saw God in the organization of the church and in the re-organization of the church. truly, He keeps talking to us.

spontaneous testimony

last fast and testimony meeting chas bore his testimony. and no one asked him to; he just did it. that's the first time i've seen him spontaneously share a testimony. it was beautiful. he spoke about loneliness and how challenging it is. he told us that one evening he was driving and listening to music and his sense of loneliness was very strong in the moment. he said he realized while driving that even when he feels completely alone, God is still present and aware of him. he was emotional sharing this testimony. i could tell this experience sincerely effected him. the spirit was present when he spoke so i know what he said was true.

more than chas realizes at this point, he is a leader. his spirit and his body are fighting and he is trying to yield and not yield to the enticings of the spirit all at the same time. i am confident, in time, he will discover how to yield completely to God and to his good-natured heart. as soon as he can do that, he will be a magnificent force for good in this world. i've seen it in small moments throughout his life.

i saw God in chas' self-directed testimony today.

water after the drought

this last year has been rough. very rough. to say the least. it's best to not talk about it here because some things are best left to therapy and prayer. the result of all the hard was a hardening of hearts in our family; wedges between people. we are all working on softening our hearts, asking for forgiveness and forgiving each other. it will take time, but with God's help, it'll happen.

yesterday was the first time i've seen some serious progress. we spent the entire day re-seeding our lawn. winter lawn in arizona requires a lot of work. a lot of team work. thankfully, everyone worked well together all day long. all of our children are good workers once they've figured out how to lay their attitudes aside. some are great workers even with nasty attitude, but it's always better and more enjoyable with good attitudes and, of course, good music.

at any rate, not much else to say except i had a moment while throwing out manuer in the back yard where i looked up and saw all of my beautiful children and devan working together. each person had their own bag of dirt they were throwing out or shoveling out -- each in his or her own manner, but all working towards the same goal. and this thought -- not my own -- came into my mind..."this is the joy of family. notice this moment. you are feeling the joy of family." and it felt sooooo good and refreshing after such a long drought.

i saw God in my backyard on saturday. thanks be to Him for giving me that brief, but real moment to know and feel that family can bring and eventually will bring a fullness of joy.

God can kill multiple birds with one stone or, how God's love is amazingly huge and effective

One morning while running I passed a mother who was waiting with her severely disabled son in his wheelchair for his bus to go to school. I had just been going over in my mind all the challenges my family had been facing and I was feeling overwhelmed. As I passed her and thought about the challenges she is facing, I felt this incredible surge of hope and strength. She seemed so strong and yet I could tell she was tired. Somehow just seeing her show up for her son and love him and care for him I was lifted and didn't feel so overwhelmed anymore. I can't explain it, but it was such a strong feeling and it really helped me.

I turned the corner without saying anything to her and then had the thought come to my mind that I needed to tell her what she had just done for me. This feeling was also very strong and as I kept running it grew. So much so that I turned around and went to her. I had to.

The bus had pulled up by that point and the bus driver was preparing the bus to lift the child's chair. I just put my hand on the woman's shoulder and told her what a great mom she was and how much her example of love and sacrifice helped me that morning. I told her she was doing a great job and to just keep at it; she was inspiring me to do the same. She was surprised and thanked me. I took off running and continued with my day -- feeling so much better.

Five minutes later, while I was standing in my driveway down the street a ways, the bus driver pulled over and yelled to me out the window, "Thank you so much for stopping to tell her she is a good mom. I have been picking her son up for a while now and she often says isn't sure she is doing a good job. She doesn't believe me when I tell her she's doing a good job. But you just really made her feel so good. She couldn't believe you took the time to turn around and come tell her she was inspiring you."

It never ceases to amaze me how God can kill two birds with one stone; how he can lift many hearts at one time when we yield to the enticings of the Spirit and follow His promptings. My heart was lifted. Her heart was lifted. Heck, even the bus driver's heart was lifted. Where God is, there love is also.

I totally saw God today.

i am important in the eyes of God

yesterday i went to the temple. i wanted to write down three names on the prayer roll, one of them being my own. i've never written in my own name on the prayer roll because that just seems odd to me, but i've been so filled with anger lately that i just needed extra prayers. so i wrote down the three names, including my own, but then erased my own and wrote another. then i went home thinking nothing of it.

fast forward to this morning. in the last twenty-four hours i found out my cousin committed suicide and instead of feeling better, i'm feeling more sad than ever. as i was moving furniture and boxes out of our front room in preparation for the tile to be set, billie perini knocked on my door. she came to tell me she has just returned from the temple and while there she felt impressed to put my name on the prayer roll.

my name.

it felt like God sent her as a messenger to tell me that my name is worth putting on that prayer roll; that i count; that i'm important to Him and He sees me. He knows my heart is so sad right now and feels betrayed, deceived, and just so sorrowful. i cannot express adequately how strongly i feel that God sent her to me today. she said she has been trying to listen and follow through on promptings. i'm so grateful she did.

i saw God in billie's eyes today.

Working together

so we moved back to arizona. that's another story altogether, but the long and short of it is that we are back in our yale street home trying to make it a home we can live in. devan and chas have been working together every weekend (and many week days) to open up the central portion of the home and put in beams for support where necessary.

while the work they've done has been incredibly impressive -- even the city inspector was impressed, calling their first foray into placing a beam "beautiful" three times -- what has been even more impressive has been the kindness with which they have worked together. last night i was in the bathroom taking a long, long shower (cause i'm post eye surgery) and i could hear them talking to each other. listening to them work out the math necessary to build the beam structure was awesome. those men are so smart. and they asked each other questions and thought through each other's ideas with kindness.

there is little else that makes my heart feel as much joy as listening to devan and chas talk to each other and work together in love and patience. both of these men have struggled internally in ways that i think have affected their sense of self and their ability to feel settled inside to the extent that they can easily let go of pride. as a result, sometimes they struggle to work together in kindness and patience. but they are both men of God and are two men that i know are absolutely good to the core -- they both have souls that are just so good. they both intuitively know what is good and are drawn to goodness.

so i love when their goodness is felt in our home. i felt God in our home last night.