growing up...and letting them

when chas started the seventh grade it finally dawned on him that just because an adult told him to do something didn't mean he actually had to do it. he could say yes to the adult and then do whatever he wanted. this began a number of very, very deeply frustrating years for me, devan, and chas. i could go on and on about this, but sufficeth it to say that it has taken me years - years! - to figure out when i end and chas begins. it has taken me years to know well enough deep in my heart that God can and will gently pull chas to Him just like he pulled me. it has taken me years to gain a deep belief that it takes people their entire lives to come to Christ and even just grow up and it is my job as a mom to let my kids have their entire lives to do it. i have finally arrived at the place in my mind and heart where i know that my children cannot be an extension of me, nor do i really want that. and i have finally arrived at the place in my mind and heart where i know that my children cannot be finished products by 18. in fact, at 18 most of us are just starting to craft ourselves, our ideas, our beliefs. 

so it is that i've been freed in the last few months as i've finally internalized this belief. i still hold my children accountable and give consequences, but i've discovered i can give them more space than i thought i could. the amazing thing about this is that i'm seeing them flourish in areas i never imagined they would had i continued to insist on certain outcomes. for example...

cole chose to play lacrosse this year. the one year he played in elementary school he absolutely hated it. hated. it. in fact, he wanted to quit half way through the season, but we refused and felt he needed to finish what he started (especially because of the cost!). the last day of practice he got in the car and i said to him, "good job finishing what you started!" and he looked at me and broke down in tears like i'd never seen from him before. he was D-O-N don! so imagine my surprise when, after watching chas play last season -- his first season at arcadia -- he told me he was going to play this year. i had to bite my tongue so hard because i was sure he wouldn't actually do it. had he forgotten how much he hated lacrosse? so i just nodded my head ok and waited for him to tell me he changed his mind. but that never happened...

instead, cole started practicing in the back yard...for hours at a time. all summer long and into fall. he did sign up and he has been playing his heart out. i've never seen anyone so dedicated to something they seemingly hated. but that's just it -- i don't think cole ever hated it; i think he wasn't ready for it. and now he is. he knew when he was ready and he jumped in when he felt it was time. watching him play this season has been such a treat. i feel like i'm literally watching him come into his own. he is growing in confidence and ability; he's growing into an incredible leader who leads by example. i have been so uplifted by watching him choose and own this sport. 

and chas... he plays lacrosse and plays it well. but i forced him to keep going through middle school when he wanted to quit. i'm still glad i did because it gave him something to do and helped him feel confident. but i've realized it isn't where his passion lies. just because you are good at something doesn't mean it's your passion. but sometime last fall his friend phillip came over and the two of them sat at the piano for hours...they crafted unbelievably cool jazz duets. chas has been crafting piano solos for years and i've known how important that time is to him. like me, i think it's a form of therapy for chas. but after he and phillip started making music together, i started noticing how chas was spending more and more of his time either at the piano or on his music software program. the other day chas played for us a song he'd written -- music and lyrics. he sang it and then explained all the different background instruments and what he was trying to accomplish with each. i was so impressed with the work and passion he'd put into his music. it was inspiring and exciting. 

i'm realizing slowly but surely that it is not my job to craft my boys into who they will become, but to teach them correct principles and let them practice governing themselves as much as i am able without abdicating my responsibility as a parent. it's taken me years to figure this out in a practical way and i'm grateful to chas for his patience. his brothers and sisters will benefit immensely from him being the first and the guinea pig. 

i feel so much joy when i watch my boys become men and develop their passions and talents. that's where i see God...and where i feel the peace and joy family is supposed to bring.

revelation

this last weekend was general conference. our family was able to attend the solemn assembly during the first session on saturday morning. we had the awesome opportunity to stand individually and collectively and sustain Russel M. Nelson as a prophet of God. it. was. awesome.

i expected that the priesthood would be asked to stand and sustain separately and then that the entire congregation would stand. what i didn't expect was that members of the relief society were asked to stand separately and sustain the prophet. so were the young women. the sense of feeling noticed and counted as a woman while standing to raise my hand was so profound. pres nelson has done much in the last few years to call on the women of the church to rise up and take their place at the table. he has done so by asking the men to move over and make room, to listen, and to follow the inspired instruction and ideas of women. i love president nelson for realizing the worth of women AND doing something about it...giving it more than lip service.

getting to stand as a woman and raise my hand to sustain him as a prophet is a moment i will never forget. never. 

i absolutely felt the presence of God and holy angels during the solemn assembly. i saw God in the organization of the church and in the re-organization of the church. truly, He keeps talking to us.

spontaneous testimony

last fast and testimony meeting chas bore his testimony. and no one asked him to; he just did it. that's the first time i've seen him spontaneously share a testimony. it was beautiful. he spoke about loneliness and how challenging it is. he told us that one evening he was driving and listening to music and his sense of loneliness was very strong in the moment. he said he realized while driving that even when he feels completely alone, God is still present and aware of him. he was emotional sharing this testimony. i could tell this experience sincerely effected him. the spirit was present when he spoke so i know what he said was true.

more than chas realizes at this point, he is a leader. his spirit and his body are fighting and he is trying to yield and not yield to the enticings of the spirit all at the same time. i am confident, in time, he will discover how to yield completely to God and to his good-natured heart. as soon as he can do that, he will be a magnificent force for good in this world. i've seen it in small moments throughout his life.

i saw God in chas' self-directed testimony today.