Collecting Moments

while we work really hard to create great sundays, they don't always happen. in fact, awesome sundays are rare. not for any reason than that it is difficult to get seven people on the same page and feeling the Spirit simultaneously. and so it is that when an awesome sunday happens, i feel impressed to note it and express gratitude for it. 

yesterday was one of the best days i have had since having five children. it was a great day for everyone. we all felt content, calm. we all felt confident about who we are. we all felt kind. we all felt the desire to be in each other's company. we all felt the desire to sacrifice a bit and help each other out. in short, WE ALL FELT THE SPIRIT!!!

i loved every minute of it: sitting on the pew with everyone, doing singing time in primary with devan (super fun! he was awesome!), making peanut butter cups with avery, playing clue with chas, cole, avery, and isaac (inasmuch as he was helping chas cheat! but it was funny.), sitting in the front room by the fire playing legos with june and ike, putting a blanket on dad during his snooze in the green chair, fantastic hometeachers with prepared lessons, easy dinner that devan helped me get together, isaac setting the table all by himself, chas and avery sharing the kindle, sharing things we were grateful for at dinner, laughing and feeling light-hearted together, chas' brilliant smile (no one ever looked so handsome with braces on), cole's warm hugs (they rejuvinate me!), avery's creativity (she gets me to try new things all the time!), isaac's energy (he's just so happy to be alive), and june's hilarious antics (saying, "shaking my booty" at the dinner table!), and most importantly to my heart -- devan at my side helping me do. top it off with a great FHE planning session btw me and dev, and a great FHE lesson on Plan of Salvation and the nature of God and why and how we return to Him...

and it was such a perfect day.

so i'm counting all those moments and swimming in them until my fingers get all pruney (name that movie!).

oh, if that isn't the hand of God than what is??? praise be the name of the Most High. we might make it through this yet.

He really does know our hearts

At the beginning of each school year we have this struggle with back to school blessings. All the people going back to school want the blessing the Sunday before school starts, which is somewhere in the middle of August. The person giving the blessing wants to be fasting when we do the blessings. As a result, we tend to be two weeks into our school year before we all get blessings. It certainly isn't the end of the world and we get why Dad might want to be fasting so we get over it. Usually.

Well, this school year we once again had back to school blessings on the Fast Sunday in September, two weeks after school had started (three weeks for me) and Cole just wasn't getting over it. Not sure all the reasons why, but he was feeling very angry all day and especially when it came time to meet in the front room for blessings. In fact, he was curled up in the fetal position with his back to us in one of the blue chairs, arms crossed, refusing to talk.

We go in birth order so Chas went first. When it was Cole's turn, he came over and sat down still mad. But then this... Devan laid his hands on Cole's head and began to speak to him, through the power of the Priesthood, telling him that God loved him and knew him. He spoke of very personal feelings Cole was having in relationship to his position in our family. The Spirit was so strong. It felt like Heavenly Father was speaking directly to Cole, telling Cole he knew that Cole was feeling unloved, but that it wasn't true; his family loved him even if he couldn't feel it in the moment. And more importantly, his Heavenly Father knew his heart and loved him. It felt intimate and sacred. I'll never forget it.

After Devan ended, Cole stood up, turned around, and ran into Devan's arms. Cole cried with relief. I could see the darkness he'd been feeling had been taken away and peace and love had taken its place. God did that through His Spirit.

Later Cole and I were talking about the experience and we both agreed it was a super cool moment we both felt. We all saw God that day.

I'm so grateful to know God is answering my prayers regarding my children. I'm just constantly asking him to please draw them in to him, help them feel his love for them. Nothing feels as amazing as God's intensely personal love. He loves each of us for who we are and not for another and not in a giant group like love. He loves me for me and you for you. I love that.

The Literal Power of Hope

So this summer has been so difficult for me not so much because the challenges have been unique (in fact I think part of the problem has been that they are the same challenges I've been dealing with for twenty years now and that just gets old), but because somehow I lost hope. I couldn't even tell you how it happened because it happened before I realized it happened and then I was in despair and darkness so deep and overwhelming I felt like I was being swallowed up in live time. And it seemed odd and terrifying because even while good things were happening all around me and I was surrounded by people who loved me and blessings from God, I still couldn't seem to get out from under the darkness and despair I felt. 

I felt hopeless. And I've never in my entire life felt that way. It's terrifying. It felt like how God described Joe's trials in D&C 122 -- "And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit...if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heaven gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee..." 

That's how I felt for weeks. The Sunday we returned the sister who taught the lesson chose to share and discuss her personal motto with us which comes from the primary song, He Sent His Son. The last words caught her ear one day when she was struggling (after years of not being able to conceive and then also dealing with a failed adoption): "What does He ask of us? Have faith, have hope, live like His Son, help others on their way." She said she decided to focus on these four things and strive to understand them each in a way that helped her apply them to her life.  The lesson was one of those that felt particularly tailored to me. You know those?

So we discussed each in turn and when we came to hope I realized that I've never really thought much about hope. I've just always assumed it was that easy thing between the harder to grasp ideas of faith and charity. But then as the day wore on and I realized that the despair I felt had followed me home from Costa Rica, I began to wonder if I really understood hope well enough to actually use it in my life. 

I've been reading in Preach My Gospel about hope. It says, "Hope helps you conquer discouragement." James Faust said, "Hope is the anchor of our souls..." I guess I never realized that hope is a power.  A literal power. Or maybe like a key that opens the door to God's power. That would be especially true if our hope led to us acting in faith. Anchors are strong and powerful. And anything that is a conqueror is strong and powerful. Hope must be strong and powerful as well. Or maybe we can be strong and powerful when we exercise hope. 

And then there was this: "The unfailing source of our hope is that we are sons and daughters of God and that His, Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, saved us from death." 

I always thought the source of hope was whatever I was hoping for; that a particular thing would happen or be accomplished. My entire life I've been misplacing my hope! I had no idea. But it makes sense that misplaced hope would mean I couldn't fully access the power hope could provide me. The power of deliverance from despair and darkness. And it makes total sense that the source of any divine power is our knowledge of who we are (because that connects us literally to God) and the Atonement of Christ (because that's what makes the connection even possible). 

So I felt empowered with this knew knowledge and understanding, but I still felt alone and dark. I did the scripture study scriptures listed in Preach My Gospel and eventually through cross-referencing found myself in Moses 1. Moses. I love that man. So human and frail and yet, in his extreme weakness God was able to make him so powerful. He parted a sea, yes, but he also managed to hang in the wilderness with a bunch of whiny ingrates for 40 years without giving up on them. Any parent knows that that is the real miracle. :) 

But I digress. So Moses 1 where Moses talks with God and then Satan shows up afterwards. Moses totally knows the difference, but when faced with Satan at his worst -- all the ranting and crying with a loud voice and commanding Moses to worship him -- Moses begins to fear. Like Peter walking on water. Totally fine at first, but then the darkness and fear began to chip away at Moses' faith and hope. The scripture says, "As [Moses] began to fear, he saw the bitterness of hell. Nevertheless, calling upon God, he received strength..." 

Then Satan ramps it up again. And Moses, having received strength because of his prayers to God, calls upon God again and receives even more strength. He commands Satan, in the name of Christ, to leave him. And, of course, Satan leaves, but not because of Moses' strength, faith, hope or anything. He leaves because of Christ's strength and power. Moses' hope was centered on those two things listed in Preach My Gospel: his knowledge that he was a son of the very God of Heaven and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  

Isn't that amazing?! And so it is hope, which leads to faith (Moses' act of praying), that is a literal power that literally delivered Moses from Satan's darkness. I didn't know how to actually be hopeful or exercise hope, but this story a perfect example of how to use hope: be close enough to God to let him remind me I am his daughter, pray, ask for strength to rise to the challenges of my life (instead of asking him to change the circumstances), and literally invoke the name of Christ when I feel despair (this last one reminds me of the temple video as well). 

And so I went to bed on Sunday night in total despair, but with a prayer for strength and calling the name of the Lord down on my own soul. When I woke up on Monday morning, I felt more peace in my heart and in my mind than I have felt in months. Nothing in my life had changed at all. But I felt God's hand over me all day, his strength being given to me. 

Like in 2 Kings 6 when Elisha's servant is afraid for all the Syrians that have come to battle them and Elisha tells him, "They that be with us are more than they that be with them." Elisha prays and asks the Lord to open the eyes of the servant and He does and the servant saw the "mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha." It was just like that. And all day I just knew He had heard me and answered my prayer. I couldn't see the chariots of fire, but I felt them. I finally, after months, didn't feel alone. 

I never cease to be amazed at how many tools God has given us that help us access his power. Faith, covenants, virtue, charity, knowledge, humility, weakness, etc. And now I can finally add hope in a meaningful way. 

I felt God's arms wrapped around me today. 

 

Email between life long friends

What follows is a portion of an email exchange that my dear friend, Christian, and I wrote to each other after his brother passed away unexpectedly at the age of 29. I included my thoughts here because I wanted to get them down on paper somehow for my own children, but the topic is filled with so much history, pain, and sacredness that I just haven't been able to really talk about it yet... even with paper. This is the closest I've come. Thankfully, God knows what is in every human heart. He and I are still working this out together. 

• Conversation started February 19
• 

  2/19, 2:29pm

  Christian John

  my dear friend. What a trying time. I'm so glad you've got my back...
• March 5
• 

  3/5, 2:34pm

  Liv Porter

  been thinking about you a lot. praying for you and family. can i tell you what i've been thinking about? i've tried to not tell you b/c i hated all the unsolicited advice and crap people felt compelled to share when devan's mom died, but i just can't not share this with you. hopefully you won't be able to relate at all. but just in case, i suppose i want you to not feel as alone as i felt.

  the hardest part about death so far for me has not been the dying part. it is all the fall out that happens afterwards. when dev's mom died i could never have imagined how it would affect our marriage. being fiercely loyal to my husband and my God i can't say much on the subject, but i will say that the experience following her death nearly destroyed our marriage. it took all the power of Heaven and the Priesthood covenant we made in the temple to save us and bring us through still together.

  those years immediately after her death have become sacred to me b/c they were the closest i've come in my lifetime to being at the jaws of hell and i feel that God came to rescue us from a deep darkness we could not get out of alone or even together. we have recovered quite a bit, but there are long term consequences that i think we will struggle through for awhile yet. and it has been six years now.

  that's it. not as much of a glorious ending as i wish there was, but the experience has solidified my belief in God and in his power to save and heal and help us when we cannot help ourselves.

  we really aren't alone in our pain and i can't think of any other piece of knowledge more powerful than that.

finding a testimony in the bearing of it

friday after school chas came home with aidan in tow, per the usual. aidan and chas have been best friends since aidan moved to Alameda in the fourth grade. aidan is a good kid, a funny kid. he lives with his mom, jodi, and her boyfriend of many years, phil.

so when the boys come home they always grab a bite to eat and then eventually make their way upstairs to me (usually i'm on my bed studying, doing chores, or taking a nap) where we have lively conversations about all sorts of things.

friday's conversation was about alcohol. aidan said that phil had told him that certainly every adult has gotten drunk at least once in their life. not true, i told him. i have never been drunk. neither has devan. but it's a right of passage, aidan insisted. he was so surprised when i insisted that neither devan nor i had ever had alcohol. i assured him that is does not have to be a right of passage; that he need never take a drink if he doesn't want to; that there are ways to have fun without getting drunk and it's better because then you actually remember the fun times.

at this point a quiet piece of awesomeness occurred. aidan says he is sure that he and chas will get drunk at some point. immediately chas responds, "i won't. that'll never happen to me." aidan, still not believing either of us really says to chas, "how do you know you won't?" and chas says, "i just know i'm never going to drink. never."

that was it. did you catch the awesomeness? chas pre-decided out loud right then and there that he wouldn't drink alcohol. he essentially stood for something. when aidan insisted that a person can't know what they'll do in the future, i taught him about pre-decisions. at first, he didn't get it, but then he said, "actually, that's like how i know i'm never going to smoke. like ever." yes! he told us his reasons for this pre-decision: an addiction he's seen his father face.

i sometimes wonder how long chas and aidan will be able to be best friends. aidan is growing up in a very different family with very different values. every chance i get i try to encourage aidan to think about his choices and his values. i hope that chas can remain a constant friend AND example to aidan. i don't envy him how challenging it will be to remain faithful to God over the next five years, but i know he has the internal strength to do it.

i was so proud of chas' willingness to "stand as a witness" today. it was small, but hugely important. because by small and simple things, great things come to pass.

i saw God today shining through Chas' calm, but sure determination to keep himself clean. May God magnify his efforts and make him a mighty instrument in His hands.

fear knocked at the door, faith answered, and no one was there

Chas attended a birthday party for his best friend, Aidan recently. Generally, when he has a birthday party to go to I do a little reconassance before hand: a phone call to a parent, 20 questions with Chas. This time I felt that since I knew Aidan's family well enough and they knew us that it wouldn't be necessary to take any action. I felt that the party would be a safe one for Chas.

When Chas returned home late that evening, I could tell something was not quite right. I asked him how it went and he responded that it was fine. I started to say good night and go upstairs when he came to me and put his hands on my shoulders. He looked at me and said, "Mom" and then put his head down. As long as I live I will never forget the fear and worry in his voice. I'd never heard it before, not like that. When he looked up he shared with me that he was feeling so afraid. 

Apparently, when he showed up at the party the kids were already watching a movie. Turns out it was Children of the Corn -- a rated R horror movie. Chas told me that what he saw created feelings of fear in him that he'd never felt. He was repulsed by the violence. Eventually Phil, Aidan's step dad, turned it off, but the damage was done. As I am always saying, you cannot un-see things. Once images and ideas are in our heads they are there forever.

Chas and I sat on the couch together discussing how he felt about what he'd seen. He vowed he'd never watch a rated R movie again. What he discovered was that, while the movie was grotesque when he was watching it, it was truly frightening later on when he was boarding home... alone... at night... in the dark.

Ah, yes. Satan is cunning enough to know how to get us coming and going in this life. He'll scare us in the moment and then use that moment to scare us in other moments when, before having viewed the scary thing, we would never have had reason to be scared.

When I was growing up my parents didn't censor my TV and movie viewing much. I didn't censor myself either. As a result, I saw things that were terrible and terrifying. Later, on my mission, my companion and I were stalked by a man on the island of Curacao. Eventually, it culminated in an experience in which I learned to identify the warning voice of the Spirit of the Lord. So much so that to this day, if I close my eyes and concentrate, I can remember the feeling still. It was unique and powerful. I had never felt it before and I have yet to feel it again. But I will absolutely know it when I feel it again because it moved me deliberately and quickly, but without any fear at all. I knew for an absolute truth I was being warned of the Lord. And my companion and I were kept safe as a result.

Once I returned from my mission though, I began to spend more time alone when Devan was traveling for diving. Satan, knowing all the things I had watched in TV and movies and knowing of my experience in Curcao, began to put fear into my mind and heart. Movie scenes I hadn't thought about since I'd seen the movie came back to my mind unexpectedly. Terrible scenes of violence. I began to worry I was not safe and that worry turned into panic.

I remember one night in particular when Devan was gone. I had checked and double checked the locks on our doors. I still felt worry that someone would be able to break in without me knowing it and this person would hurt me. My mind began to get too worked up and I felt like I was being swallowed up in this intense fear. Without knowing what else to do and feeling as though I was loosing grip on reality, I cried out to the Lord. For the first time in my life, I literally yelled to him out loud, begging Him to rescue me from this fear that had gripped my mind and heart so fiercely.

Almost instantly I felt an intense peace almost swoop in and just pass through my heart and mind, erasing all the fear. It was so immediate and so complete that I cried from the relief I felt. God had come to my rescue and had saved me from... well, Satan's influence certainly. But also from myself. Because who put those images of violence in my mind? I did. Who gave Satan power to influence me? I did. Who gave Satan power to play on life's inevitable experiences and turn them from challenges into trials and suffering? I did.

It was this experience that taught me how important the choices of our youth are. We cannot know what lies ahead for us in our lives, but we can know that Satan will use our poor choices against us if we let him. When we chose to keep our eyes on clean, uplifting, calm things in life he will have less to use against us. We will give him less power to make us afraid.

"The power is in them for they are agents unto themselves."  "To act and not to be acted upon."

Chas learned, as I did, the importance of making wise choices about what we choose to watch. It pains me as a mother to know my children will have to learn by experience in this life. Hopefully, they will limit their amount of suffering by learning from others as well. But I am grateful to know that God showed Chas, in his own small way, what I have been talking about. Like God saying, "Listen to your mother, Son. This is what she is talking about. And what she is saying is true."

I am grateful to God for showing us both his hand tonight.

Let it Rain!

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain. It hasn't rained at all in months here in California. We are currently in the worst drought in the history of keeping weather records apparently. Frankly, I've loved not having rain -- it makes my life as a mother easier. There is less to clean and the winter doesn't seem so dreary. In fact, I had hardly noticed how long we had gone without rain until the Bishop read a message from our Area Authority last week asking us to participate in a state-wide fast for rain. All week long the California drought has been a top news story. The reservoir where we get our drinking water is at 3%. Some cities have reported that they only have 2 to 3 months of drinking water left before they will have to import it from outside of California. Water prices are about to soar. The Catholic church asked their parishioners to pray for rain as well. Many are concerned. Truly the situation is dire.

I spent the week changing my attitude because I found myself hesitant to pray for rain. I know we need it, but sometimes we don't always want the things we know we need. As usual, God will take us wherever we are and, if we are willing, will help us move as close to Him as we want to be. So I began my fast last night that it will rain because that is what I should do and where my heart should be. I did it and am doing it and, amazingly, in the doing God somehow softens my heart. It's always in the doing where real change occurs. You have to start moving your feet in the right direction. Like Indian Jones taking that leap of faith. But I digress...

So there was no rain in the forecast for today. The news stories said that unless an unexpected change in the weather occurred there would be no rain. News reporters may know weather and weather patterns, but I know God and God's patterns. Fasting unitedly as a group of believers for a purpose is powerful. It is powerful. It is also pouring outside this morning. God didn't even make his people wait. Perhaps he only wanted us to ask; to become aware; to care.

Coupled with this fast for rain has been a family fast for Clint. Clint has had severe wrist pain over the last couple of years that has led to a diagnosis of a very rare disease (Kleinboch's) where some of the tiny bones in his wrist are disintegrating. If left untreated, his wrist will collapse and he will be unable to use his right hand for the rest of his life. He is only 17.

To add a level of difficulty to the scenario, treating the condition is iffy at best. There are a few surgical options, but not one of them can assure Clint's complete recovery. The doctors have told Clint that he most likely will not play tennis again, which is sad because he was well on his way to a college scholarship (placed 8th in State Championships last year!); not to mention that he just loves to play tennis. And he is months away from serving a mission. There is no telling how this disease might affect where and when he might be able to serve the Lord.

So Cord, Gayla, and Clint chose one of their iffy options based on doctor recommendation and Clint had the surgery two days ago. The surgery went well and Clint is now recovering. It will take time to determine how effective the surgery was in abating the disease and its effects. So we continue to fast for Clint's full recovery.

When I woke up this morning to the sound of rain my first thoughts were of Clint. If people can come together as a community and unify their faith so as to call down rain from Heaven, certainly a family can come together and unify their faith so as to call down healing from Heaven. If God can make it rain, God can heal Clint's hand. The sound of rain this morning felt like an outward symbol of the inward workings going on inside Clint's wrist at this very moment. The sound of rain reminded me that God is quick to answer our prayers and knows what we need; that for every moment we can see God with our eyes, there are thousands more where we can see Him with our hearts -- if only we choose to feel Him. The sound of rain sounded like Christ teaching, "If ye have faith as a mustard seed, ye can move mountains."

I heard God today in every raindrop that hit our roof.

Truly, faith is followed by miracles. I expect to see God work a miracle with Clint.