What follows is a portion of an email exchange that my dear friend, Christian, and I wrote to each other after his brother passed away unexpectedly at the age of 29. I included my thoughts here because I wanted to get them down on paper somehow for my own children, but the topic is filled with so much history, pain, and sacredness that I just haven't been able to really talk about it yet... even with paper. This is the closest I've come. Thankfully, God knows what is in every human heart. He and I are still working this out together.
- Conversation started February 19
Christian John
my dear friend. What a trying time. I'm so glad you've got my back...
- March 5
Liv Porter
been thinking about you a lot. praying for you and family. can i tell you what i've been thinking about? i've tried to not tell you b/c i hated all the unsolicited advice and crap people felt compelled to share when devan's mom died, but i just can't not share this with you. hopefully you won't be able to relate at all. but just in case, i suppose i want you to not feel as alone as i felt.
the hardest part about death so far for me has not been the dying part. it is all the fall out that happens afterwards. when dev's mom died i could never have imagined how it would affect our marriage. being fiercely loyal to my husband and my God i can't say much on the subject, but i will say that the experience following her death nearly destroyed our marriage. it took all the power of Heaven and the Priesthood covenant we made in the temple to save us and bring us through still together.
those years immediately after her death have become sacred to me b/c they were the closest i've come in my lifetime to being at the jaws of hell and i feel that God came to rescue us from a deep darkness we could not get out of alone or even together. we have recovered quite a bit, but there are long term consequences that i think we will struggle through for awhile yet. and it has been six years now.
that's it. not as much of a glorious ending as i wish there was, but the experience has solidified my belief in God and in his power to save and heal and help us when we cannot help ourselves.
we really aren't alone in our pain and i can't think of any other piece of knowledge more powerful than that.
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