unspoken prayers

I was sitting in Sunday School at church last week feeling very overwhelmed with all the complexities of the life we are currently living. I have been struggling with keeping my anxiety and stress to a workable amount. So sitting in Sunday School alone I thought to myself, "I feel so alone right now. I just really wish Devan were here with his arm around me. I feel so calm when Devan touches me."

I didn't pray to God and ask Him to send Devan. I didn't really even think about praying at all.  I knew that Devan was upstairs getting his lesson ready for Young Men's so it hadn't really even occurred to me that he could come down. I was just feeling sad and lonely.

Within two minutes Devan came in the room, sat down close to me, and put his arm around me. I kid you not. My own thoughts came back into my mind along with this additional thought: "I hear your thoughts and know the desires of you heart." I knew it was a tender mercy of the Father and I knew that He was telling me He loves me.

God answered my unspoken prayer -- a prayer I didn't even know I was praying. Our God is an awesome God.

I felt God's arm around me today.

lemon cream pie

Late Father's Day eve -- a Saturday, of course -- Chas and I headed out to Safeway to see what we could find for our father who works so tirelessly for our family and deserves way more than our life allows him. He had mentioned previously that he would love to have a lemon cream pie for Father's Day, but ugh -- I can't cook pies well at all. I've had disastrous results in the past.

But what were the chances that Safeway would be selling a lemon cream pie? I have never seen one there before and it was close to 11 pm on a day when everyone had surely gone to the grocery store for the same reason I had. I was feeling stressed over wanting to just have this one thing he had requested, but knowing I didn't have the energy to make it myself at midnight.

Chas and I bee-lined straight for the bakery and to the refrigerator where they keep the pies and cakes. Sitting all alone in this big fridge was one -- yes, one -- single lemon cream pie. There was literally nothing else in the entire refrigerator. I cried and cried. Chas thought I'd gone crazy (which might be partially true!) so I told him the back story. We both agreed that God had shown us a tender mercy.

Even lemon cream pie isn't too trivial for God.

Chas and I saw God today.

a place to study

when i started law school, i was serving as a seminary teacher. everyone -- except dev, who always supports me -- assumed i would ask to be released because the demands of school plus being a mom to five young kids was plenty to keep me busy. in fact, once members of the ward and our family realized i planned to keep teaching, several of them sought me out to talk me out of my craziness.

seminary is a demanding calling and requires a lot of preparation and time, but i absolutely love it. it's my favorite calling ever, actually. the thought of not teaching seminary never even entered my mind. i was about to start the craziest mental adventure of my life. i didn't need less blessings, i needed more. service is one of the greatest methods of receiving peace and love from the Lord that i have in my life. i didn't want to let go of that.

even though i knew i would receive blessings for my willingness to continue to serve and sacrifice, i ended up receiving more blessings that i could have even imagined. truly the Lord opened the windows of heaven and poured out a blessing on our heads. the fun part about being willing to sacrifice and serve is that some of the blessings are so surprising it's practically like a birthday party.

case in point: before starting school, i imagined i would study at home. turned out that studying at home was too loud and distracting (i know, shocker with five kids in the house, right?) and i needed a quiet, safe place to go late in the evening and early in the morning. because i was serving as a seminary teacher, i had a key to the building and to the seminary room. i asked the bishop if it would be ok for me to use the space to study and he said yes. i have spent so many hours in that tiny room that automatically locks with my space heater, my books, and my snacks. it was perfect spot for me because i could bring food, talk out loud, be completely safe, and be completely alone -- none of which i could have done in our local library or any other place in our town.

and all because i said yes to a calling. i said yes to service and sacrifice. i said yes. so God could bless me in ways i needed that i didn't even know.

oh God is so very aware of us. so very, very aware. being aware of Him and of others gives me the ability to feel Him being aware of me.

very cool.

chas and june

i've been wanting to make mention here how grateful i feel to have had june. she has blessed our lives in various ways, but recently she has given us a blessing beyond compare in my opinion. and one i hadn't expected.

chas is a great brother to june. he loves her and takes care of her well. they are closely connected to each other. but i've begun to realize that june is a great sister to chas. she already has helped him so much in her little life. this year has been full of hormones, changes, and lots of emotional rollercoasters for chasbo. he is weathering it all well -- the middle school years -- and that's thanks, in part, to junie (chas calls her "shoonie" like it's a french name).

june seems to be able to center chas when he's out of sorts. she calms him and loves him unconditionally. she sits with him and lets him hold her. it's almost like how a dog or a cat knows when its owner is in need of some extra love. june just senses chas' needs and it really cool to watch her help soften his heart.

really, it's like watching God himself i would imagine. one of my favorite blessings i've seen yet in my life.

chas' ordination to the Priesthood

very few things get a capital letter in my life. God, Christ, and Priesthood are pretty much it. i love the Priesthood -- the gift God has given us -- the access to His mighty and endless power.

chas was ordained to the Aaronic Priesthood by his father, devan stapley porter, on march 17th, 2013 during the third hour of church. tom prescott, our home teacher, accompanied devan. as did a few others. most notably, parker pixton and adam teuscher participated in the circle. they are two of our priests. that was an incredible spirit lifter. what a way to unify the young men, but through Priesthood ordinances and service to one another.

the Spirit was present and i felt happy and calm. chas received a wonderful blessing that reminded him of the great faith of his family and ancestors. how blessed he is to have been born into a family that honors convenants. he was admonished to serve others and bear his Priesthood worthily.

i always get the feeling about chas that he has a mighty spirit in him. a spirit of service and love. i can see him recently struggling against the idea that his life will be one of service, just as i did for a time when i was young. but God needs him to be faithful. i believe he will influence many throughout his life -- to choose God. i am excited to see him come into his own and yield to that calling of service.

chas reminds me of the brother of jared. i wonder if he will one day rend the veil.

i love chas. he is thoughtful and kind to others. he knows deep in his heart what is true and right and good and has a deep down goodness about him that i admire. he's incredibly smart and has more common sense than most adults i know. he's also got a fantastic laugh and smile that nearly instantly make me happier when they happen.

i felt God during that ordination.

a place to heal

sitting in my lawyering for social change class... teacher is discussing how few places there are in our culture that allow people to find healing and peace. a place to just sit and be and de-stress. a place to find center again. she said most people drink, smoke, have illicit sex, or do any other number of extreme things to find a way to cope with working in a social change field.

and immediately as she described this place she searches for a picture of the temple came into my mind. places do exist where we can go to be healed and refilled. where we can find center. where we can be recharged with the power we need to help others in a continual sort of way.

the temple.

i've been healed there. felt peace there. found center there.

but more important...

i am healed and feel peace and center everyday over and over again because i go to the temple regularly. when i leave the temple, i leave with power. literal power to do and be more than i can on my own.

i feel so grateful to have this eternal gift of access to God's power and peace.

it took all my effort not to raise my hand and tell everyone that there are places of healing available to them. come and be healed! since that would have been inappropriate to do in class i wrote here.

here's to the chance that i'll get to share the idea with my teacher at some point.

i saw God today.

overheard...

avery to isaac: isaac, i'm sorry you got hurt on your teeth today.
isaac to avery: thanks avery. i'm sorry you are sick.
avery: thanks isaac.

oh. it's like hearing God talking in the other room.

definitely heard the voice of God today.

fast sunday

today devan, chas, cole, and i all fasted. the boys have all been fasting since they each turned eight, respectively. they are both great at it. we have days when it is hard. none of us -- except dad -- is particularly good at being hungry. a couple of us are particularly cranky when we are hungry. no names here because we don't believe in self-incrimination. :) so even though chas and cole are willing to fast every month and do so well, they, as well as we, are human and not every fast sunday is a happy day in our home. but today was a happy fast sunday. we all did a great job and enjoyed each other's company. we all served each other and had fun together.

oh! these days give me so much hope for all of us. we are figuring it out... working out our own salvation... together.

today i definitely saw God.