june's visit

i mentioned in the previous post that i would one day share my experience with meeting june. i think i'll do that now. it's been on my mind to write down for more than a year now and as it was one of the most sacred experiences i've ever had in my life and a tender mercy i hold very close to my heart, i think it is about time that i should. but let me preface it by saying this first: this sacred experience is not to be shared publicly and should not be shared frivolously with others. the entire reason i haven't written this experience down yet is because it is so sacred to me. it was the first time i received such a gift of my Heavenly Father and i don't want to do anything that would send a message to Him that I am not responsible with the revelation He gives me, especially revelation of this kind. So please pray and ponder before sharing this outside our family and share only if  you are prompted by the Spirit to do so.

when i first had isaac i was so worn out. moving from three to four kids was incredibly challenging for me. it seemed like a lot of people to manage. it was a lot of people to manage. the first few months of isaac's life devan was traveling to san francisco every week and was only home on the weekends so i think that's part of what made it feels so hard. then, of course, we moved in six days doing it all by ourselves. at any rate, i was tired and was convinced that i was not going to have any more children. i was saying this to everyone that asked, even though i knew in my heart that i would have one more child. years before (another cool experience i'll have to share at some point) God and i had discussed a number for my sake as i was struggling to be pregnant with avery and didn't think i could keep going without knowing when the end would be -- and God was kind enough to give me the target number, which was five. i know this may seem silly to some, but to me it was a tender mercy. Proof that God is willing to work with us where we are, in ways in which we need. This is especially true when we are at our weakest. He just wants us close to Him. He is willing to do just about whatever we feel we need as long as it still lies within the bounds that He has set. remember that.

 so in the spring of 2009 or perhaps 2010 -- you see? this is why we write things down as they happen, not years later. in the spring i was finally getting adjusted to living here in california. our family life had found yet another new normal with four kids and such and things were beginning to smooth out again. the laundry was getting folded so to speak.

so in the early spring sometime i was in the temple participating in an endowment session. i don't recall why, but i was by myself that particular time. i remember even the room and the chair in which i sat because it was the small endowment room in the Oakland Temple and it was the first and last time (at least to this point) that i ever attended a session in that room. it was small and very private feeling. a very intimate setting.

when the session  began my mind was thinking about all sorts of things and nothing in particular. at some point early in the session i began to think about having another child. i pondered over whether or not we wanted to have another child, whether or not we could fit another child into our small home and small budget. these things had never as yet come into my mind with the other pregnancies. we had never allowed lack of money, home, or anything to keep us from having a child when we felt prompted by the Spirit to do so. we always exercised faith that God would come to our aid. and, of course, He always did.

but with this pregnancy things were slightly different. i had had a strong feeling that this time it was my choice. that God was giving me an opportunity to use my agency. completely. and therefore, take responsibility for my choice completely as well. this is a scary idea if you really think about it. as long as you can point to God and say, "He told me to do it." with some sort of prompting experience than you always have a cop out of sorts. you always have someone to point if things get hard or if something appears to go wrong. i say appears because, of course, God doesn't prompt us to do things and then send us down wrong paths. but sometimes we fear to make choices because of potential outcomes that we don't want or don't like. or are afraid of. so at any rate, i was trying to be very thorough in my decision making, thinking of things that i didn't normally take into consideration, etc.

so as i was thinking in terms of whether or not devan and i would want to have another child, a very distinct thought came into my mind. it was this: "what if she wants to come to your family?" the thought was so distinct and clearly not my own. i believe it was the voice of the Spirit. never in my life had i heard that voice so clearly before. the voice of a person talking to me. and i was slightly confused by the message and frankly the intrusion into my own thoughts so as i was thinking about what had just happened and what it might mean another thought came to my mind. again, very distinct and clear. it was this: "you have only thought about whether you want to invite another spirit into your home. but what if there is a spirit that sees your family and wants to come and be apart of your family?" at that exact moment i felt june. i don't know how to describe the experience, but i felt and knew that she was there in front of me. i didn't know her name was june of course. but i knew it was this spirit that was yearning to be in our family. i could literally feel her presence just as you would be able to feel someone's presence if you closed your eyes and they walked up to you. i knew in my mind and my body and in my heart that she was being allowed to visit me and impress upon me her desire to be in our family. she wanted me to know she was real and she was waiting to come to us. had she been physically standing in front of me i would have had no more of a sure knowledge that she was there. i felt her. she was there with me.

after a few moments i felt her leave. but the feeling of having experienced a piece of the spirit world was lingering deep in my heart and in my body. i lack words to express the incredible peace and enlightenment i felt at this revelation. i know there were other people all around me sitting in chairs and yet i felt as if i had been all alone with her and the Spirit. it was incredibly intimate and personal.

 it was yet another witness that God lives and this work is true. but for me, it was more than a moment of faith building. it was a moment of knowledge building. like joseph smith said, 'i knew that i had seen (in my case, felt) a vision. i knew it and i knew that God knew it. and i could not deny it. neither dared i do it."

as a side note: when june came to me i could sense that she was a grown woman. young, but grown. the connection we made to each other was as a woman to a woman, not a mother to a baby. because of this experience i now believe in my own heart that our spirits are mature -- not children -- at least before this earth life.

i went home from the temple that morning with a sure knowledge that we would have another child and that i knew her personally.  i had not decided to have a child because God told me to. i decided to have a child because she asked me if i would be willing to bring her here. and who am i to keep a spirit from progressing? who am i to put myself before another? why wouldn't i be willing to make a sacrifice for another? i knew i could do it. it would be painfully hard (little did i know how hard), but with God's help and devan's help i could do it.

i told devan about this experience not too long after it occurred. we began trying to get pregnant not long after that. it took months to get pregnant this time, which was frustrating because i wanted to get the hard pregnancy over with, but eventually it happened.

when we went for the ultrasound at 20 weeks to determine if the baby was a boy or girl i was nervous. i knew in my heart it was a girl because of my experience in the temple. but part of me was afraid that it might be a boy and then i would feel compelled to have yet another child to bring that girl here. in my heart i was begging Heavenly Father not to play that joke on me :). cause i wouldn't be laughing. devan came with me that morning. as it was the last time we'd be having an ultrasound, we thought it would be fun to make it a full circle and have him come as he did the first time with chas. when the technician told us it was a girl i cried. cried and cried. the lady probably thought i was crying cause i was hoping for a boy or something silly like that. but i was crying out of relief and out of pure joy. my humanness always leaves a spot for doubt in my heart and second guessing. this ultrasound was like a witness to my experience in the temple. silly as it sounds, it felt like a confirmation that we were on the right track and i had not imagined any of what had happened.

when i finally gave birth to june and i got to hold her quietly for the first time and could feel her spirit, i knew it was that same spirit that had visited me in the temple. i could feel the same personage i felt before. she felt familiar. another witness. the law of witnesses that the Lord has established. played out in real time in my very own life.

that day in the temple? in the ultrasound room? in the delivery room? i saw God those days.

praise God for His tender mercies and great gifts of revelation.