so i started a part-time law program in august of this year. at certain moments i feel devan and i must have been crazy when we made the decision to have me start. but then i remember the path that brought us here and i cannot deny God's hand in the whole thing. that's yet another entry that is forthcoming. notice a pattern yet? :)
when i began the semester i made a covenant with God. i promised to use my study time wisely, to make and keep to a schedule, to be present when i was with my children, and to be present when i was at school. i also promised to keep going with seminary and to still make myself available to him for service to others. i promised i would exercise twice a week.
for His part of the covenant, i asked him to make the time i had to study enough time to make the grades i needed to make in order to keep my scholarship. i asked Him to help me see (literally -- my eyes are a mess these days) and to help me have enough energy to keep up with the study schedule i had laid out (i average about five hours a night).
sounds like a reasonable covenant, doesn't it? i prayed, repented, and fasted. i don't usually receive some huge answer to my prayers immediately. but no worries, i just act like He hears me and accepts my offer and start working. i always just assume he'll talk to me when he wants to and when he knows i'm ready. he always does. sometimes i get the message to keep going and sometimes i get the message to make small changes to what i'm doing in order to make the covenant fully acceptable to Him. and then i work, pray, repent when i am weak on my part, and work more.
i learned about covenant making with God like this on my mission. this is how we 'bring to pass much good' -- we make and keep covenants with God and thereby open the windows of Heaven. when we covenant with God and we keep our covenants we literally bind him -- he HAS to keep his part of the covenant -- and he wants to, of course. it's a wonderful way to grow in faith, see miracles happen, know God better, and actually make things happen! i love it!
an example: about two or three weeks into the semester -- it was a tuesday and i had torts -- i got sick with a migraine. this was crazy b/c i hadn't had a migraine in two years. talk about bad luck. it happened about half way through the day. i had gone outside to get warm (our house is so stinking cold!) by sitting in the sun on the driveway. i sat in a chair facing the sun with my eyes closed. apparently for too long and the direct sun in my face triggered the migraine. i laid down for awhile but to no avail. i knew it wasn't going to be as bad as they typically are, but still i was feeling sick and my head was pounding.
so i said a prayer and told HF that i couldn't get on the BART (train) like this b/c i had no idea if i was going to throw up or not. i told him that i had been doing my part and i needed him to step in and heal me so i could go to class b/c i couldn't miss class -- it would just set me back too far. as soon as the prayer was over i was expecting to have this miraculous moment where the headache would just leave me. instead, i immediately ran to the bathroom and threw up. a lot.
hmm... i started feeling kinda annoyed with God. why wasn't he just going to heal me? i knew he could if he wanted to? why couldn't i figure out how to use my faith to be healed instantly? i've struggled with this my entire adult life. what was i doing wrong? what don't i get about faith making miracles happen?
i called devan to get his opinion. he said that for him miracles usually happen while he's busy trying to work out the situation on his own -- exercising his faith through action. made sense, but i still didn't get it really. plus, i didn't think i COULD go to class in the condition i was in. but i decided that maybe he was right and i would just go and do and ask God to help me make it through.
i met dev at the BART station. i felt terrible. my head was pounding. my stomach was very queezy. i rode the train, made it to class and had this thought: my teacher is going to cold call me tonight. of all the nights, it's going to be tonight. sure enough, i was the first one called on. in my head the conversation went like this: really? REALLY HF? i believe. help thou my unbelief. help me, help me, help me please. and then i felt God say: Olivia, relax. get going. i'm right here.
seriously. that's a quote. this is how God and i talk to each other.
and so i began to brief the case for the class. i spent about fifteen minutes talking with my teacher back and forth during this briefing process. i could tell as the exchange was taking place that something was changing. i could feel myself feeling better. at one point, i even thought to myself that i was witnessing a miracle in progress. i was feeling it happen to me. by the time the fifteen minute brief was over and i had a minute to sit quiet i realized the headache was completely gone. what's more, i actually felt good. much better. it was incredible. i was having this incredible experience in my body and mind while all around me students were discussing law. it was all i could do not to exclaim something (oh my gosh! no way! did you feel that?) out loud to my neighbor.
and then this thought entered my mind: olivia, THIS is how faith works. how miracles happen. you work and i work and the miracle happens. but you have to be doing all you can do and i'll pick up the rest.
reminds me of elder bednar's talk about nephi getting those cords off his wrists that his brothers had used to tie him up. i guess in my mind nephi had prayed to break the cords and then poof! they broke off. elder bednar pointed out that nephi didn't pray to have the cords broken for him, rather to have the strength to break the cords himself. elder bednar said he imagined that nephi then worked and worked to get those cords loose and then they did loosen. God granted him the extra strength he needs when he needed it -- which was probably after he had expended all his own energy. this gave me new insight into how faith really works and how it really produces miracles.
this is how it happened for me as well. i had to pray and then work to my maximum capacity. then God helped me have the strength to keep going. and i was able to go further and do more than i have ever done before with a migraine. sheesh, i drove, i walked, i talked. i can't do any of these things normally when i have a migraine. and then in the doing -- having already received Christ's enabling power (the Atonement) -- i was healed as well. literally healed.
wow. when the Spirit is working in your life and you are feeling its power you can be assured that God approves of what you are doing and the direction you are taking. that experience was an affirmation that God had accepted my covenant and was recognizing my efforts and keeping his part.
our God is a god of miracles. and a God of patience and love.
i saw God in torts class that day.
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